Who dat?

How could I have forgotten?! Last night's premiere of 24 was exciting and full of twists, as usual, but the biggest twist of all: Kumar from "Harold and Kumar go to White Castle" is a terrorist! Casting mistake of the year!!!

{Click here for more}

Celebrity Gossip!!!

Finally! A return to my first love: celebrity gossip. This is kind of a creepy way to get back into it, but I have to start somewhere I guess. So, have you heard that Whitney Houston is dating Brandy's little brother Ray J? Yeah, I heard on Extra that they pretty much are dating. Is this creepy? What, exactly, do you think is the creepiest part? The age difference, perhaps (he's about to turn 26 and she's 43)? The thought of anyone having sex with the (recovering!) cracked out shell of a pop star that is Whitney Houston? I'm not really sure, but this one is definitely a head-scratcher. Ew, what if one day he cheats on Whitney with Bobbi Kristina?
[Dlisted]
[San Francisco Gate]

{Click here for more}

iPhone

I should really be doing some work right now, but how bad do i want an iPhone? Steve Jobs really pulled out the big guns for this year's Macworld Expo. He seemed really dedicated to stealing CES' thunder...and honestly, this is waaay more exciting than the 10,000 new 1080p tvs at CES anyway. I just wish I had (a) Cingular and (b) $500 burning a hole in my pocket. Holy cow! This shit is so fucking cool! I'm really turning into a flaming dork.
[Engadget]
[Gizmodo]
[CNET]
[Apple]

{Click here for more}

Nobody's business but the Turks'

Since I'm on YouTube, here are a couple of my favorite childhood memories (um, like you didn't think I've always been addicted to television?). Both are Tiny Toons/They Might be Giants clips, and both are amazingly great. My personal favorite was Istanbul, but Particle Man is cool too. (Also, watching it now as an adult, I wonder if Particle Man is supposed to be some sort of commentary on man's existential struggle or something like that...whatever, I'm not actually that much smarter than I was when I first saw it.) Watch both clips after the jump.

[Istanbul]

[Particle Man]

{Click here for more}

Lock the cashbox

So you know that commercial for some type of Samsung phone? I kind of love it. It's the one with those two sort of dorky guys who download "Rock the Casbah" to one of their phones, but don't know the words. The first guys thinks it's "Lock the Cashbox," but then the second guy corrects him and says it's "Stop the Catbox."

Yes, I know, this commercial is old, but the thing is, at first I thought it was hysterical. I mean, I still think it's pretty fucking funny, but now I can't see past this one flaw: they had to have known the name of the song in order to download it, right? And even if they didn't, the name shows up right there on the phone! Fucking clear as day: Rock the Casbah. I can't get over that. This makes me sad, because I used to really like that commercial.

See the commercial after the jump.

[Lyrics to Rock the Casbah]

{Click here for more}

For serious...

Who is this child's father? How old is she? I won't lie, "Suri" looks like she could possibly be Tom Cruise's biological child, but is it really a coincidence that Tom Cruise and Chris Klein have very similar facial features? It's almost impossible to say one way or the other who the real father is. Look, this is a mystery that will probably never be solved, but I would like to state for the record that there is, at best, a 45% chance Tom Cruise is this baby's father (there's a 45% chance it's Chris Klein's spawn and a 10% chance it's a random Chinese baby).

{Click here for more}

40 oz Friday night

Um, so it's Friday night, I live in New York City and I'm 26 years old. So of course I am spending these most precious moments of my youth sitting in my living room watching preseason football, eating a burrito and drinking beer. I decided that tonight I would try to finish off an entire 40 oz OE by myself. Then I thought it would be fun to live blog this experience, but by the time I had this idea I had already finished my burrito and now the game is almost over. So I'll have to backtrack a little, but I think it'll be pretty accurate:

6:30 pm - Left work with the worst tension headache I've had in many months. Read People on the train, but was distracted by a mom yelling at her kids to "shut the fuck up" somewhere around Bergen Street.

7:15 pm - Got home and passed out

9:00 pm - Woke up and got a burrito. I just need 8 more to get a free one!

9:10 pm - Bought a 40 from the kind of shady store on 5th ave & 7th Street. I felt kind of weird buying just one 40, because it all of a sudden became really obvious that I was about to go home and drink 40 ounces of malt liquor by myself on a summertime Friday night. I got over it.

9:30 pm - Just finished inhaling my burrito. Delicious!

10:00 pm - Start watching Giants vs. Jets preseason game. Always the dubest game of the year, even for pre-season. I can't undeerstand why the NFL can't get over it. No one cares about the Jets playing the Giants, especially in the preseason.

10:43 pm - I've had about 5 ounces of OE and I'm already feeling kind of light-headed.

10:44 pm - The Jets score a touchdown. Not even one cheer is audible in Giants stadium

10:52 pm - I've had maybe 8 ounces of OE and I am definietly a little bit drunk. Also, it's getting kind of warm and gross. I need to start chugging pretty soon.

10:57 pm -Seriously, who the fuck are these motherfuckers on the field right now? I've never heard of any of them. It's like arena football.

11:03 pm - This game is over, I flipped over to Court TV. I looooove court TV late at night. There is always something good on! Who doesn't want to watch Forensic Files?

11:04 pm - Fuck! I still have so much OE to drink!

11:13 pm - After a few large gupls of warm malt liquor, I'm about 1/3 of the way through the bottle. I feel kind of bloated and I'm getiing pretty drunk. I'm also getting pretty sleepy. I'm surprised I have not had to pee yet. Also, this stuff tastes like feet. Shit. That Brinks Home Security commercial was pretty fucking scary. I wonder if I locked my door...

11:22 pm - Did I mention I told my mom I'd help her move tomorrow at like 9 in the morning? Who the fuck do I think I am? I haven't gotten up before 11am on a Saturday in like a decade!

11:34 om - So I'm sitting in my living room drinking room temperature OE. I've had about 22-24 ounces. I feel less bloated than I thought I would feel and less drunk than I hoped. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this shit up. Maybe I should finish reading People.

12:05 am - Ok, I've had about 32 ounces of mostly warm OE malt liquor. I can't tell how drunk I am, but I'm pretty drunk. This experiment is over and I think it's safe to call it a success. I need to pee in a bad way.

12:11 am - I fucking have to pee again

12:19 am - This is what happens after you break the seal. I'm out.

8:45 am - I do NOT feel good. Luckily my mom just called and told me to come over later because it's raining.

{Click here for more}

Your chance to date a "top shelf" skank

So I've been getting some gentle nudges, polite urging, and a couple threats of physical violence to update my blog. It's pretty hard to jump right back in the thick of celebrity gossip commentary, but I think a good place to start would be some Falvor of Love news: One of the skanks will be getting their own reality dating show on VH1, called The Flavorette! So guys, if you are "a single man between the ages of 21-35, open to dating all ethnicities and think you can put up with a top shelf Diva" you need to go here and sign up. You should also be open to coming in contact with a variety of STDs, weaves, and leather halter tops.

[Reality TV Casting Call] via [Dlisted]

{Click here for more}

Nothing you haven't seen before

If you care to see Paris Hilton's naughty parts, click below.

{Click here for more}

Star Jones makes it official

She finally quit The View this morning. Seriously, "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" started playing in my head when she was making her announcement.
[Access Hollywood]
UPDATE: THAT BITCH GOT FIRED!!!!!!!

{Click here for more}

What the fuck is wrong with Wes?

Or maybe the more important question is what the fuck is wrong with Johanna? Why does Wes feel the need to call his girlfriend and his partner "stupid bitches?" He grosses me out. Also, his head is shaped really weird, which further accentuates his nasty mohawk. What kind of drugs does he slip in Johanna's cereal every morning?

{Click here for more}

This kid is not a celebrity, but he is just as smart as one

On Saturday night, after a night of boozing, a Penn State senior fell onto the subway tracks at Union Square and landed on the electrified third rail. He was leaning over the edge of the platform to see if a train was coming (common practice for sober New Yorkers, but not a good idea if you can't see straight), but lost his balance and fell onto the tracks. He was stuck there for two minutes before being rescued, and amazingly, he survived with burns on only his right elbow and thumb. The most amazing part: he's only pretty sure he'll slow down on the drinking in the future. That's the thing about near death experiences; every one you have inches you closer and closer to reforming the behavior that almost killed you.
[NY Post]

{Click here for more}

Where in the world?

Seriously. Where are Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes? No pictures of them out and about have surfaced in weeks, and we still have not seen even one shot of their "baby." How come the paparazzi can't find her all of a sudden? Where is she hiding? Or maybe we're supposed to believe she has not left the house because she's been too busy being a "mother?" How come we saw pictures of her shopping for shoes when she was like 48 weeks pregnant and now all of a sudden she can't leave the house? Seriously. Where are Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise? How come when it comes to these two I always have so many questions???

{Click here for more}

Real World/Road Rules Challenge

If you know anything about me, you don't need to ask if I have been keeping up with this season of RW/RR Challenge. This shit is some of the greatest programming on television, period. A bunch of aging reality stars who peaked at like 22 and since then have refused to to ever engage in actual work at a real job, opting instead to embark on these yearly "missions" in the hope of winning however much prize money is up for grabs or at least enjoying a nice vacation with a bunch of horney, drunk people.

ANYWAY, this season there was twist and now instead of former RW and RR cast members battling each other, they are each paired with a regular Joe/Jane Schmoe. Unfortunately this twist kind of sucks because all that happened is there is half the drama. These new kids are boring and no one gives a fuck about them. Thankfully, there are two couples on the show, both from RW Austin - Danny & Melinda and Wes & Johanna. You may recall how I feel about these geniuses.

So basically the four of them decided to form an alliance, but that did not work out for them. In my opinion, their alliance could have worked, but ultimately backfired because they (a) were too obvious about it, i.e. Wes telling people not to vote for his friends just because they're too cool to go home (b) were not good competitors and kept losing (c) did not realize that everyone else on the show are friends with each other and have their own friendship alliances (d) were all obnoxious and whiney about not wanting to get separated from their better half. Not to mention the fact that they are all missing a chromosome.

To make a long story short, Danny and Melinda were the first people voted off, and on last night's episode both Wes and Johanna's teams DQ'ed during the competition and were in danger of being nominated. So, obviously the show focused mostly on their relationship. Now, I think I can objectively say that Wes and Johanna defy all kinds of natural laws by being together. Wes is dumb beyond belief, ignorant, ugly, arrogant plus he is an asshole and talks too much. He also has the world's most pathetic mohawk and his head is shaped like a square. Now, Johanna is not necessarily anything to write home about, but she's pretty hot and seems to be able to read above a 3rd grade level. So how is it that Wes feels like to can tell anyone in earshot that Johanna is stupid and not a good competitor? I have to blame that on the missing chromosome.

Anyway, next week his team and Johanna's team are going into the Inferno or whatever. I hope the challenge is how fast a nasty mohawk can be shaved off.

{Click here for more}

You know how I love blind items

Which storied celebrity marriage ended with an "intervention" when he told her, "Yes, I cheated, but it's either the coke or me"? Since they're both now with other people, I guess we know how that turned out.

The answer to this could not be more obvious even if they put in some lame pun about them no longer being "Friends."
[Gatecrasher]

{Click here for more}

Bad things happen when Elisabeth Hasselbeck is allowed to speak

Ok, so after this post I got really angry and wrote Elisabeth Hasselbeck a strongly worded letter, politely asking her to stop talking until she's able to make something coherent come out. I never actually sent the letter because I'm a total pussy, but now I see that was a huge mistake.

The producers on The View never got my request, so they let her keep talking and didn't even put a muzzle on her when Sandra Bernhard was on the show talking about how our government doesn't respect women's rights. Sandra Bernhard made a joke about Laura Bush being "heavily medicated" and that is when all hell broke loose until Star Jones convinced the cameras to focus on her again.

{Click here for more}

Alcohol solves all your problems

Remember Jewel? You know, guitar? Crooked teeth? Anyway, here is what she has to say about drinking:

"I didn't start drinking until I was 30," Jewel tells Blender. "I grew up singing for alcoholics, and it never really seemed like alcohol fixed anything. I was afraid that it would get me. Around 30, I kind of realized that alcohol really does solve all your problems. Whoever said drinking doesn't help lied. You live and you learn."

I'm glad someone besides me finally said it.
[Page Six]

{Click here for more}

Celebrity Sighting!

Carolyn Y. Shin is my new idol. Now, she has done some pretty awesome shit in the past, like this, and not knowing what 1/2 of 2/3 is, but recent events have elevated her to superhero status in my eyes. What could she possibly have done to make her more awesome than when she did this, you ask? Well, Ms. Shin saw with her own two eyes, none other that P. Diddy - two days in a row!

The first time was on Monday while she was walking back to Central Park after going to the Whole Foods in Columbus Circle. Diddy was walking in the park (!?!?!?), talking on his cell phone, and was accompanied by a bodyguard who was wearing a Sean John t-shirt. The second time she saw him was yesterday, on her way to Museum Mile. He was in a Blue Bentley driving on 103rd Street (again, ?!?!?).

So, I officially crown Carolyn Celebrity Stalker of the Month, and my personal hero.

{Click here for more}