My open letter to Kevin Federline

Don't you ever wonder if the reason Kevin Federline is so awful is because no one has ever sat down and told him how much he sucks? Don't you think it is worth a shot if it means we would save Britney? Here is my open letter to Britney Spears. I'm not sure if I should send it directly to him, or just hope the blog universe serves it to him for breakfast one day. The letter is after the jump.

Dear Mr. Federline:

I would like to address some of the misconceptions you seem to have of yourself and the world around you. After listening to several songs on your new album, Playing With Fire, it is clear to me that you have no fucking idea who the fuck you are. You must be stopped. I hope my words will lead to some introspection and self-realization. I write this letter out of concern as a fan of your wife and the mother of one of your three (it’s just three, right?) children, Britney Spears. Beyond being a Britney fan, I am compelled to speak my mind as a responsible member of society who feels the need to stop you and the assault you have launched on humanity through your indiscriminate procreation, and your inhumane attempts to set hip hop music back to the days of Vanilla Ice.

First thing’s first: please leave Britney Spears alone. I saw your reality show Chaotic. I know she met you at a vulnerable time in her life. She was lonely and away from the people who actually love her. I can’t say I blame you for taking advantage of her injured self-esteem. She’s hot, rich, and one of the most successful pop stars in history. I’d hit it in a second. My fellow Britney fans have complied compelling evidence that since you stepped into Britney’s world, her career and her personal life have spiraled to a distressing low. She has not made one hit song since she met you. Instead, she became stepmother to the two children you fathered with the woman you left, while she was pregnant, for Britney, and she has become a mother herself. I’ve been told motherhood is wonderful, but I also know parenting is a partnership. I obviously don’t know what happens behind the gates of the Spears compound, but based on what I’ve seen and heard in media coverage, you seem to be more concerned with launching your "rap career," smoking weed, partying with midgets in Las Vegas, and driving nice cars than you do with any of your children. You turned a former teen icon into a miserable housewife. Please help stop the bleeding and just leave her alone.

Right now you might be thinking, “Fuck what you hear about me from the media. Those motherfuckers just like to spread rumors about me to sell magazines and shit. I love my kids and my wife. You can’t trust what the fucking media tells you, fool!” That’s my second point: you devote too much energy (and a surprisingly high portion of the lyrics on your new album) complaining about the media. That is like complaining about your parents paying for your tuition while you’re being handed your diploma (that's the piece of paper they give you when you graduate from college). The media created any success you may argue you’ve achieved. No matter how annoying you might find them, you also have them to thank for all the things you are proud of yourself for. Think of yourself as the male Paris Hilton; if you did not have the good luck of being related to someone who worked hard to build the family fortune, you’d just be a pathetic, talentless schmuck, and not a pathetic, talentless, rich schmuck. Also, you’re trailer trash. So stop complaining about photographers following your boring ass around Malibu. If they stop snapping pictures of you going to the ATM to withdraw Britney’s money, or smoking cigarettes at the gas station, no one would buy your painfully bad rap album, not even just to mock you. Ok, maybe just to mock you, but I downloaded PopoZoa for free on Acquisition.

I hope you don’t think I am some bitter, uptight old lady who derives the little pleasure I get out of life from “hating” on people and saying mean and hurtful things about people I don’t even know. I am not old. I’m only 26. And I’m no lady. Anyway, Mr. Federline, I guess the reason I decided to finally come out and tell the world how I feel about you is because you are such a cocky asshole. I don’t really hate you, I just hate the fact that you are such a fucking halfwit that you actually believe so firmly in your own greatness. You’re not great. You’re not even good. You suck. A lot. Seriously. You’re a decent dancer, I guess, but your rapping stinks. You are a parasite and the only thing you’re really skilled at is ruining lives. Stop it. Please just go back where you came from and let us all start over. Go away.

Sincerely,
Damali Campbell, Britney Spears fan since 1999
Brooklyn, NY

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A new day, a new brand of crazy

I almost didn't believe this when I read it:

Katie Holmes has been banned from speaking to her baby for a week after it is born, it has been reported.

The pregnant actress has agreed not to talk to her new arrival, believed to be a girl, for at least seven days after she has entered the world, in accordance with fiancé Tom Cruise's Scientology beliefs.

Katie, who is due to give birth any day, has already promised Tom she will deliver the child in complete silence, and she will also have very little contact afterwards.

If child services needs to be called in for a little fracture in Sean Preston Spears' skull, then I think they should send someone over to Camp Scientology to make sure Tom isn't planning to sacrifice this baby to L. Ron Hubbard. Seriously. Tom Cruise is crazy. It isn't funy anymore.
[Life Style Extra]

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The mystery of Katie Holmes' baby bump

Look, guys, there is obviously something not quite kosher about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. All jokes about Scientology, and silent births, and paid beards, and mind control aside; it's all just very weird. Seriously.

So here is one man's theory on the "pregnancy":

I was listening to the radio this morning and tuned in mid-discussion to the morning DJs at my favorite station talking about Katie Homes' "pregnancy". Apparently they had talked to [someone who calls himself a "Hollywood insider"] that morning and had come to the conclusion that Katie was really pregnant by Chris Klein before she and Tom got together, but that Tom said that he was OK with raising the baby as his if she would play wife to him. They also concluded that she has already had the baby (evidenced by the loss of pregnancy weight around her face and ankles recently, and the fact that not many fathers would be as far away from a ready-to-pop mother as Tom is from Katie), and that she is wearing a prosthetic belly in order to both promote Tom's new movie best and to make the timeline right so that it looks like it really is Tom's and not Chris' (evidenced by the ever changing size/shape of Katie's belly).

You've got to admit this makes a lot of sense. First of all, it would explain why the size of her bump is always so sketchy - she and Tom were probably trying to throw us off. And also, remember those reports that she went to Ohio to give birth a few weeks ago...it's true that before that, her face was kind of puffy, and now it's not. I'm not a doctor or anything, but it makes sense to me. Hmmm.
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Blind item

From Page Six:
Which celebrity mom likes to partake in her daughter's pastimes? Not only will the mom do drugs with her offspring, she's got an eye for her men as well.

This is tricky because it's not clear what "celebrity mom" means. Is the mom a celebrity or is she the mom of a celebrity? Maybe both mom and daughter are celebrities? Anyway, the most logical answer is Dina Lohan, because she definitely goes out and parties with Lindsay (to "keep an eye on her") and she's seems like the type of middle-aged woman who'd have an eye for 25-year-old guys.

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