My open letter to Kevin Federline
Don't you ever wonder if the reason Kevin Federline is so awful is because no one has ever sat down and told him how much he sucks? Don't you think it is worth a shot if it means we would save Britney? Here is my open letter to Britney Spears. I'm not sure if I should send it directly to him, or just hope the blog universe serves it to him for breakfast one day. The letter is after the jump.
Dear Mr. Federline:
I would like to address some of the misconceptions you seem to have of yourself and the world around you. After listening to several songs on your new album, Playing With Fire, it is clear to me that you have no fucking idea who the fuck you are. You must be stopped. I hope my words will lead to some introspection and self-realization. I write this letter out of concern as a fan of your wife and the mother of one of your three (it’s just three, right?) children, Britney Spears. Beyond being a Britney fan, I am compelled to speak my mind as a responsible member of society who feels the need to stop you and the assault you have launched on humanity through your indiscriminate procreation, and your inhumane attempts to set hip hop music back to the days of Vanilla Ice.
First thing’s first: please leave Britney Spears alone. I saw your reality show Chaotic. I know she met you at a vulnerable time in her life. She was lonely and away from the people who actually love her. I can’t say I blame you for taking advantage of her injured self-esteem. She’s hot, rich, and one of the most successful pop stars in history. I’d hit it in a second. My fellow Britney fans have complied compelling evidence that since you stepped into Britney’s world, her career and her personal life have spiraled to a distressing low. She has not made one hit song since she met you. Instead, she became stepmother to the two children you fathered with the woman you left, while she was pregnant, for Britney, and she has become a mother herself. I’ve been told motherhood is wonderful, but I also know parenting is a partnership. I obviously don’t know what happens behind the gates of the Spears compound, but based on what I’ve seen and heard in media coverage, you seem to be more concerned with launching your "rap career," smoking weed, partying with midgets in Las Vegas, and driving nice cars than you do with any of your children. You turned a former teen icon into a miserable housewife. Please help stop the bleeding and just leave her alone.
Right now you might be thinking, “Fuck what you hear about me from the media. Those motherfuckers just like to spread rumors about me to sell magazines and shit. I love my kids and my wife. You can’t trust what the fucking media tells you, fool!” That’s my second point: you devote too much energy (and a surprisingly high portion of the lyrics on your new album) complaining about the media. That is like complaining about your parents paying for your tuition while you’re being handed your diploma (that's the piece of paper they give you when you graduate from college). The media created any success you may argue you’ve achieved. No matter how annoying you might find them, you also have them to thank for all the things you are proud of yourself for. Think of yourself as the male Paris Hilton; if you did not have the good luck of being related to someone who worked hard to build the family fortune, you’d just be a pathetic, talentless schmuck, and not a pathetic, talentless, rich schmuck. Also, you’re trailer trash. So stop complaining about photographers following your boring ass around Malibu. If they stop snapping pictures of you going to the ATM to withdraw Britney’s money, or smoking cigarettes at the gas station, no one would buy your painfully bad rap album, not even just to mock you. Ok, maybe just to mock you, but I downloaded PopoZoa for free on Acquisition.
I hope you don’t think I am some bitter, uptight old lady who derives the little pleasure I get out of life from “hating” on people and saying mean and hurtful things about people I don’t even know. I am not old. I’m only 26. And I’m no lady. Anyway, Mr. Federline, I guess the reason I decided to finally come out and tell the world how I feel about you is because you are such a cocky asshole. I don’t really hate you, I just hate the fact that you are such a fucking halfwit that you actually believe so firmly in your own greatness. You’re not great. You’re not even good. You suck. A lot. Seriously. You’re a decent dancer, I guess, but your rapping stinks. You are a parasite and the only thing you’re really skilled at is ruining lives. Stop it. Please just go back where you came from and let us all start over. Go away.
Sincerely,
Damali Campbell, Britney Spears fan since 1999
Brooklyn, NY
Dear Mr. Federline:
I would like to address some of the misconceptions you seem to have of yourself and the world around you. After listening to several songs on your new album, Playing With Fire, it is clear to me that you have no fucking idea who the fuck you are. You must be stopped. I hope my words will lead to some introspection and self-realization. I write this letter out of concern as a fan of your wife and the mother of one of your three (it’s just three, right?) children, Britney Spears. Beyond being a Britney fan, I am compelled to speak my mind as a responsible member of society who feels the need to stop you and the assault you have launched on humanity through your indiscriminate procreation, and your inhumane attempts to set hip hop music back to the days of Vanilla Ice.
First thing’s first: please leave Britney Spears alone. I saw your reality show Chaotic. I know she met you at a vulnerable time in her life. She was lonely and away from the people who actually love her. I can’t say I blame you for taking advantage of her injured self-esteem. She’s hot, rich, and one of the most successful pop stars in history. I’d hit it in a second. My fellow Britney fans have complied compelling evidence that since you stepped into Britney’s world, her career and her personal life have spiraled to a distressing low. She has not made one hit song since she met you. Instead, she became stepmother to the two children you fathered with the woman you left, while she was pregnant, for Britney, and she has become a mother herself. I’ve been told motherhood is wonderful, but I also know parenting is a partnership. I obviously don’t know what happens behind the gates of the Spears compound, but based on what I’ve seen and heard in media coverage, you seem to be more concerned with launching your "rap career," smoking weed, partying with midgets in Las Vegas, and driving nice cars than you do with any of your children. You turned a former teen icon into a miserable housewife. Please help stop the bleeding and just leave her alone.
Right now you might be thinking, “Fuck what you hear about me from the media. Those motherfuckers just like to spread rumors about me to sell magazines and shit. I love my kids and my wife. You can’t trust what the fucking media tells you, fool!” That’s my second point: you devote too much energy (and a surprisingly high portion of the lyrics on your new album) complaining about the media. That is like complaining about your parents paying for your tuition while you’re being handed your diploma (that's the piece of paper they give you when you graduate from college). The media created any success you may argue you’ve achieved. No matter how annoying you might find them, you also have them to thank for all the things you are proud of yourself for. Think of yourself as the male Paris Hilton; if you did not have the good luck of being related to someone who worked hard to build the family fortune, you’d just be a pathetic, talentless schmuck, and not a pathetic, talentless, rich schmuck. Also, you’re trailer trash. So stop complaining about photographers following your boring ass around Malibu. If they stop snapping pictures of you going to the ATM to withdraw Britney’s money, or smoking cigarettes at the gas station, no one would buy your painfully bad rap album, not even just to mock you. Ok, maybe just to mock you, but I downloaded PopoZoa for free on Acquisition.
I hope you don’t think I am some bitter, uptight old lady who derives the little pleasure I get out of life from “hating” on people and saying mean and hurtful things about people I don’t even know. I am not old. I’m only 26. And I’m no lady. Anyway, Mr. Federline, I guess the reason I decided to finally come out and tell the world how I feel about you is because you are such a cocky asshole. I don’t really hate you, I just hate the fact that you are such a fucking halfwit that you actually believe so firmly in your own greatness. You’re not great. You’re not even good. You suck. A lot. Seriously. You’re a decent dancer, I guess, but your rapping stinks. You are a parasite and the only thing you’re really skilled at is ruining lives. Stop it. Please just go back where you came from and let us all start over. Go away.
Sincerely,
Damali Campbell, Britney Spears fan since 1999
Brooklyn, NY
posted by Damali at 4/12/2006 05:21:00 PM
2 Comments:
Your letter is awesome!
Greets to the webmaster of this wonderful site. Keep working. Thank you.
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