Live-blogging the Grammy Awards

For as long as I can stand it. I'm getting kind of a late start, but thank God for DVR, right?!

Gorillaz & Madonna was pretty fucking cool. How did she walk behind the cartoon thing? Crazy. Make fun of me if you want, but I'm fascinated by dumb shit like that. Madonna has some serious muscles in her legs and whatever work she's had done is totally tasteful. I have to wonder if this is her leotard phase. Will she be wearing a leotard in every performance, video, and promotional photo she does for the whole friggin album? Whatever. If my legs looked like her's, I'd wear a bikini to the supermarket. I'd also probably be a stripper because they make a lot more money than I ever have.

Alicia Keys looks good, but I don't understand what is going on with her side pony. And am I the only one disturbed by the awkward flirtation between her and Stevie Wonder. Ha! Stevie, we get it. When you say she looks wonderful, you actually have no idea because you're blind! The a cappella number they did was hot though. When was the last time you heard someone singing live on tv?

Best Female Pop Vocals goes to Kelly Clarkson. They did Stevie's envelope in braille, which I did not get until he announced the winner and I was like, how the fuck does he know? Then I saw him rubbing the piece of paper. DER!

Anyway... Kelly started crying and didn't stay on stage that long. She seemed totally touched and overwhelmed and was way super cute.

Whatever. I like Coldplay ok, but Chris Martin is fucking annoying.

UPDATE: John Legend fucking rocks my world, but I'm not going to lie - Ordinary People is getting on my last nerve and I don't fully understand why he's R & B's new golden child. He's great and all but... maybe I'm just a hater. Also, he's one of those people I'm convinced I can become friends with because he's only one year older than me, we're both black, and we both went to Ivy's. I feel like I should be able to run into him at a party and totally hang out with him. Never happens though. Sigh.

UPDATE: Ok, now there's some country group on. Don't tell anyone, but I secretly like some country music. Not this crap though. They seem to be having some technical issues. There is some very distracting feedback and I can hear someone saying something about a mic. Bummer. They announce the winner of some country shit. Who the fuck cares? I have to pee (caffeine-free diet pepsi is the best!).

UPDATE: I have another secret to reveal. I don't see the big fucking deal about U2. I don't see it now. I didn't see it in high school. I had this friend in high school who was completely obsessed with Bono. From what I understood, her only goal in life was to meet Bono, have him autograph her leg, and then tattoo the autograph along with a portrait of him. She was a weird girl. Anyway, I think it's cool that he gives a shit about poor people and the Third World. Somebody needs to. But that Vertigo shit is fucking not that good. Totally annoying. And Bono really, really should lose the pink sunglasses.

Ok, Mary J. Bleige is here to save the day. Why is she totally feeling the Frida Kahlo, braid around the head look lately? Not even Mary can save this fucking U2 boat from sinking. If it will save a kid in Africa from dying of A.I.D.S., I'll watch this shit. Not for any other reason though. Fucking waste of air time.


Much, much more after the jump, further confirming that I have no life.

UPDATE: David Bowie wins a Lifetime Achievement Award. No one seems to care.

Best Rap Album of the Year goes to... Kanye West. His only real competition was Common and Kanye is more commercial, so I guess he was no competition after all. Kanye is humble, as usual. Someone needs to give his ego a colonic. It's all clogged up with some serious shit. He is inexplicably wearing leather driving gloves and has his bright red shirt all the way open (Liberace style!). He humbly acknowledges he knew he was going to win all along. Class act, that guy. He better be lucky I love Gold Digger and I hate George Bush.



UPDATE: Ben Roethlisberger (Superbowl champs Pittsburgh Steelers' quarterback) introduces Kelly Clarkson. They show some AI footage from 2001 whith Kelly looking very un-Hollywood. They should bury that tape. Not a good look. (High pig tails, no make-up, natural brown color.) I love Kelly though. She looks great in a big, red dress. Um, I take it back, the dress is kind of ugly, but she's super cute. I wish she'd have sung Since You've Been Gone like she did at the MTV Awards. Highlight of my summer!


Dudes. I'm tired. Taking a break.

UPDATE: Paul McCartney does some stuff. He still totally rocks, and unlike the Rolling Stones, he totally recognizes that he's old and can't go around wearing hot pants at the Superbowl.

UPDATE: BEP & Jennifer Love Hewitt present something. First of all, I'm looking at Fergie and JLH on the same stage at the same time and I think my sight is still in tact. That's good. Will-I-Am from BEP was super classy and complimented himself on the nobody-gives-a-shit Grammy BEP won that they don't even present on the show.

John Legend wins whatever award this is. Call me John! My brother went to Penn. We should be friends!

UPDATE: Mariah Carey performs We Belong Together and she is covered up. I can't believe it. Mind you, she isn't covered up in a nice dress or anything, but she is not flashing any booty cheek and you can only see a tiny bit of bobbie. Baby steps. I think she's going into some kind of gospel thing now? There's an organ and a chior..,. Her microphone is bedazzled. If I could, I would bedazzle everything I own. I'm serious. CZ and rhinestone manufacturers should pray I win the lottery.

Oh, I get it, she's covered up because she's kind of in church (this is the closest I've been to church since I went with my great-grandparents last year to the North Miami Shores United Methodist Church - Lord, forgive my back-sliding ways!).


UPDATE: Best pop vocal album goes to Kelly Clarkson. She rocks my world too. I can't decide if I like her black dress with the 50 pounds of feathers on the bottom. Hmm...

Are you fucking kidding me with this shit? Is that actaully a commercial for a news report on being addicted to lip balm?

Jenna Elfman has no right to be at the Grammys. Some guy name Owen Brady got the Trustees' Award.

Ok, more country - Faith Hill and soon-to-be Mr. Nicole Kidman himself, Keith Urban. I find him unattractive in the same way I find Tom Cruise unattractive (which makes sense I guess) - I think he's objectively good-looking, but his face kind of creeps me out and I can't look at it too long. Oh, and I don't like his hair.

UPDATE: Best Rap/Sung Collaboration goes to Jay-Z and Linkin Park for Numb/Encore. Sean Carter looks sharp as ususal. Not super flashy like P. Diddy. And he also lets Linkin Park do all the talking. He must be serious about this retiring from being a rapper and stepping out of the limelight thing. Oh well. The Black Album wasn't all that great anyway.

UPDATE: UMMMMMMMMMMM.... it's Dave Chappelle. Where did this come from? And he is wearing a suit. He's being kind of funny. He's introducing someone who's making a comeback. Who is it??????? Sly Stone? WTF? So not exciting. I'm out.

UPDATE: Look, I know The Blues is like rock and roll history and shit, but I just don't give a flying fuck. Some blues guy is getting some posthumous (I'm guessing), fake award. I'm sure his decomposed body is thrilled.

Ok, Jay-Z and Linkin Park perform. I'm sort of excited about this. Too bad it wound up sucking. Oh wait, Paul McCartney came out in the middle of the performance (they're singing Yesterday, if you can believe it). Wait, no, it still sucks. Bummer.

UPDATE: Bruce Springstein. Blah, blah. Jersey sucks. Wait, I think at the end of his song he said, "bring 'em home!" I assume he was referring to the troops. I'm with you, man.

Song of the year presented by Destiny's Child goes to some U2 song, but they play Mariah Carey by accident. Oops! Is that kind of like when U Mich sent out acceptance letters to a bunch of people who didn't get in, but since they sent them the letter, they had to let them in? Does Mariah get a Grammy too? Take off that dumb-ass cowboy hat, Bono!

UPDATE: Um, ok. So it's Jamie Foxx and a mini marching band and Kanye with another mini marching band. Guess what they're going to perform... you got it. Gold digger. Not flamboyant at all! That shit is entertaining though. I love black people. I also love marhcing bands. I was a band geek in middle school and high school. Snare drum. Super cool. Anyway, best performance of the night so far! Blows Madonna & Gorillaz out of the water. Haha! Their t-shirts say Broke Phi Broke.



UPDATE: Sheryl Crow and Sting present.... I think record of the year? Green Day wins for Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I think I've told you how I feel about Greenday now that they don't sing about being an angry teenager.

Ok, it's almost 11 and I have other things to do. I'll leave the Grammys on in the background and update is something awesome happens. I'll also add a couple of pictures later tonight or tomorrow.